March 1, 2013

my dang heart

long live the Mickey bowl

"How do you make room in your heart to love another baby as much as your first?" "Do you ever get to hold Everly or does having two kids make life too hectic?" "Are you dying of exhaustion?" "Does Bronson get it?" "Are you getting ANY sleep?"

So many questions.
The most frequently asked has definitely been the "loving the second as much as the first" thing and I almost cringed when people would throw it at me initially. I felt like something went wrong for me there.

See, for three and a half years it was just me and Bronson, (I thought) we were solid. We had inside jokes, secret handshakes, just us rituals. As Everly's birth got closer and closer I tried to picture life with another kid and not just Bronze. I never really could, but then she was crowning (ouch), and then she was in my arms, and then duh, I couldn't imagine life without her as well.
We brought her home and something shifted. I found myself resenting Bronson for taking time away from the new baby. I just wanted to cuddle her all day long!!! He never stopped talking. Never. I couldn't help comparing them. She became the easy child and he seemed like a burden. Oh the guilt. I never expected to feel that way. Someone had flipped the formula! I was supposed to feel my heart open up and pull Everly into her allotted space so I could exclaim, "Wow, you really can love them the same! EVERYONE WAS RIGHT!!" but instead my heart pushed him aside and clung to her (QUIET) newness.

There was lots of crying, Netflix cartoon watching, praying, and: Toph, it's your turn! I don't want to hear him for the next hour at least-ing during those first initial weeks. My finest hour.

Over the past few weeks, things have settled down a little bit (will we ever have a baby and NOT move a week after?) and we've gotten more and more used to our new everyday. Bronson's been a great older brother (he's seriously so sweet to Ev!) and, when you get down to it, has adapted extremely well. The incessant talking hasn't really eased up, but I strive to savor it by remembering someday his little baby voice will be deep and directed away from me. Nooooooo! (Contradiction, thy name is motherhood.)

I blame hormones for a lot of the craziness but I also think, there's no one perfect way to mother. Obviously I love both of these kids a lot, but who even knows if it's 100% equal all the time.
Honestly, whoever's sleeping is usually the favorite of the moment.